Relationships Matter – Judgement

We are constantly judging in our relationships. A lot of the time, sadly, this judgement is driven by our Parent or Child rather than our Adult; see my previous article on Perspective for a brief description of the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) model developed by Thomas A Harris.

Our Parent and Child deal in absolutes; the Parent espousing what SHOULD be done, the Child demanding what it WANTS. The Adult, with input from the Parent and Child deals with FACTS. A consequence of the Parent and/or Child dominating judgement is unrealistic expectations for our relationships. We end up trying to live up to, and indeed expecting others to live up to, an impossible dream rather than comfortably and contentedly dealing with the reality. In my mind dealing with the reality simply means enjoying ourselves and others for whom we are rather than whom we would like ourselves or them to be without abdicating our responsibility to pull each other up when we are behaving badly.

I think that these lyrics from the Alphaville song ‘Impossible Dream’ are particularly relevant:

“Sometimes it seems so strange

The way I feel for you

It makes my life so quiet and free

And when you smile at me

It’s just that special love

A kind of liberty I never felt before

And I don’t need to be a poet

I don’t need to be a hero

When all I need to do is keep on loving you

I just have to be me and I don’t need to be

The stranger anymore I used to be

In my impossible dream

I keep my fingers crossed

I never want to lose

This new found world that’s so alive, Angel

I’m so in love with you

My heart has circled in the past

The demons of deceit

But now aside I’ve cast.

And I don’t need to be a poet

I don’t need to be a hero,

When all I need to do is keep on loving you

I just have to be me

And I don’t need to be

The stranger anymore

I used to be

In my impossible dream

And I don’t need to be a poet

I don’t need to be a hero,

When all I need to do is keep on loving you

I just have to be me

And I don’t need to be

The stranger anymore

I used to be

In my impossible dream

And sometimes it seems so strange, the way I feel for you,

It makes my life so quiet, and free.

And I don’t need to be a poet

I don’t need to be a hero,

When all I need to do is keep on loving you

I just have to be me

And I don’t need to be

The stranger anymore

I used to be

In my impossible dream”

Along these same lines of just being our self are these lyrics from the song ‘This Is Who I Am’ by Vanessa Amorosi:

“I spend my life

Trying to do things right

But all I do is fall to my face, with my hands and my hips so many times

But then I learned

After being burnt

To get back up, push straight on, stop the tears, people move on-ooon

Well it’s alright to be myself

Now I’ve learned to stand

Well it’s okay to be just who I am

I’ve spent years really hatin’ me

Longing to be friends

Now I hope that you can understand

This Is Who I Am

Now when life gets tough

I’m quick to hurry up

I run all day, I run through the night, I’ll break down walls, I’ll hit up high

I don’t care if I’m fat,

Or if you think my clothes are bad

Yet I can go to sleep at night, I’m a good person and I’ll get by-yyy

Well it’s alright to be myself

Now I’ve learned to stand

Well it’s okay to be just who I am

I’ve spent years really hatin’ me

Longing to be friends

Now I hope that you can understand

This Is Who I Am

I need someone someone someone someone like me

You deserve deserve,deserve to have me

Cause our world keeps spinning

And you don’t try to turn it

Well it’s alright to be myself

Now I’ve learned to stand

Well it’s okay to be just who I am

I’ve spent years really hatin’ me

Longing to be friends

Now I hope that you can understand

This Is Who I Am

Yeaaaaaaaaaaah, yeaah yeah

This is who I am

Ooh, take a breather this is who I a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-am”

I think that judging is an appropriate thing to do when done properly. It is when we judge without proper consideration of facts such as personal circumstances and environment that we draw inaccurate, often very damaging, conclusions about others. My view is that healthy doses of empathy and introspection plus an avoidance of blame and holier-than-thou attitudes are necessary if we are to avoid inappropriately judging others. I have previously written articles on Introspection and Blame. I think that the lyrics from the song ‘According to You’ by Orianthi resonate here:

“According to you

I’m stupid

I’m useless

I can’t do anything right

According to you

I’m difficult

Hard to please

Forever changing my mind

I’m a mess in a dress

Can’t show up on time

Even if it would save my life

According to you, according to you

But according to him

I’m beautiful

Incredible

He cant get me out of his head

According to him

I’m funny

Irresistible

Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite

I don’t feel like stopping it

So baby tell me what I got to lose

He’s into me for everything I’m not

According to you

According to you

I’m boring

I’m moody

And you cant take me any place

According to you

I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away

I’m the girl with the worst attention span

You’re the boy who puts up with that

According to you, according to you

But according to him

I’m beautiful

Incredible

He cant get me out of his head

According to him

I’m funny

Irresistible

Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite

I don’t feel like stopping it

So baby tell what i got to lose

He’s into me for everything I’m not

According to you

I need to feel appreciated

Like I’m not hated

Oh no

Why can’t you see me through his eyes?

It’s too bad you’re making me decide.

But according to me

You’re stupid

You’re useless

You cant do anything right

But according to him

I’m beautiful

Incredible

He cant get me out of his head

According to him

I’m funny

Irresistible

Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite

I don’t feel like stopping it

Baby tell what i got to lose

He’s into me for everything I’m not

According to you

You you

According to you

You you

According to you

I’m stupid

I’m useless

I can’t do anything right.”

My view is that we should judge others in the same way we would like to be judged and that is, fundamentally, fairly. I will conclude with an extract from Desidarata by Max Ehrmann; for more information about Desidarata visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desiderata:

“If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain & bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”

Stay strong and serene.

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About Yernasia Quorelios

Writer
This entry was posted in Relationship Insights and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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